Free credit report.com should have had Totalitar or possibly Anal Cunt as their new spokesband. I'm sure a rousing rendition of So I Noticed You're Gay or You Look Adopted would have sent people flocking to the website.
I don't think its too much to ask that my coworker add an R to the end of his last name changing it from Grube to Gruber and allowing me to call him Hans.
I predict the movie Vampires Suck will be an Oscar winning movie with its subtle satire, well written jokes, and its timeless and completely not cashing in on a fad storytelling.
When are the handicapped going to realize we'll all like them alot more if they just give up the primo parking spots.
Always remember that you could be wearing a shirt that says I Heart Clubbing Baby Seals or be completely naked but if you show up to dinner wearing a monocle, top hat, and pocket watch, you'll be the classy toast of the party.
Why hasn't anyone had a tattoo on their ass of the classic punchline, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em."
I find that Windows commercial where the kid is sitting outside his dorm room watching TV and waiting for his roommate to be done plowing a chick to be quite funny. Rather than not be a total douchebag cock block who's complaining about how he doesn't get to watch a shitty television show, the pecker head should, oh I don't know, try meeting some girls so he can touch his first boob and not spend all day in front of his computer browsing 4chan.
Rage fact of the day: The people who come up with those contemptible Olive Garden commercials will make more money in one year than most of us will make in the next 8.
Me and Chris once watched the entire 21 minute episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad and loved every minute of it. Didn't hurt we were pretty tuned on Margaritas at the time.
When all these people post that stupid song lyric about pretending airplanes are shooting stars on Facebook, I wonder if they consider the grave ramifications of a plane instantly turning into pure plasma. Not only would everyone on the plane be instantly vaporized in a horrible fashion but having such close proximity to the thermonuclear fusion would probably destroy Earth within moments. So people who want planes to be stars for the mere purpose of wishing are really quite selfish since it means an end to life as we know it.
Once at my days in Catholic school we had a test that was one question, explain what Pentecost is. My buddy at the time wrote a rather poignant dissertation about how it was when Hitler killed all the Jews. He did not score well.
Vacation next week. I'll see what I can do about hammering out another post before then. Probably be a review of The Expendables.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Comic Con season is upon us
Ah Summer. It’s a magical time of the year. Cons: Hot as hell, those annoying school kids are now free to roam until September, and chances are this pale Irish body I inhabit will be burnt to a crisp by the sun. Pros: Kick ass concert season begins, women everywhere strike another blow for female equality by wearing as little as possible, and the Philly and Baltimore comic cons are held. Having attended a few shows, I can proudly say that I am con tested (I am still not mother approved, however). As such I thought I'd do a little public service and post my proven comic con tips for getting the most out of your trip.
1.Work in teams. Bring someone with you, seems pretty simple. Two people can cover more ground than one. Besides, you’ll need someone watching your back if you hit on the wrong girl and the body builder cosplaying the Hulk comes running after you.
2.Pay a small minority child to act as your pack mule. If you’re like me, you buy a lot of comics and other various objects and that can be quite burdensome to lug around. Children are cheap to hire and they get all the back pain that was meant for you.
3.Bring your own small child with you. Now this can be a double edged sword. First the pros. Unless they’re like me, most people will allow a child to pass by them when looking through bins. Use this to your advantage to get to the good comics. Also have the kid get sketches from artists for you. They’re more likely to put more effort into it for a kid than an adult. Casually mention that you’re so happy little Jimmy was feeling well enough to leave the hospital to see their favorite comic artist and you’re looking at a full body color sketch for dirt cheap. The cons. Kids have shorter legs and can’t walk as fast as you need them to. Make them wear suspenders so you can carry them around like a piece of luggage. Also kids tend to whine a lot. “I’m hungry. My feet hurt. When are you going to let me go back to my family, mister?” Be prepared to deal with this the entire day.
Protip – Combine tips 2 and 3 for maximum effectiveness
4.You’ll most likely see a few people wandering around with carts with up to 3 or 4 boxes of comics on them. These people are your mortal enemy. They brought all these comics to get signed and will tie up a line for a while because the artists and writers are usually too polite to just start making the books out to Ebay Winner. My tip is carry a screwdriver with you. If you ever see one of these carts unattended casually walk over to it and remove a wheel or too. Let’s see that asshole carry all that shit around now.
5.Unless it’s a special issue, don’t pay more than a buck a comic. Oh sure, you’ll see plenty of assholes trying to gouge you for $2-$5 an issue or more for key ones. Point and laugh as you pass these idiots. Don’t be afraid to torch their stand either if they give you lip. This kind of discretionary buying will send a message to other vendors, that is, if the plumes of smoke haven’t already.
6.Many celebrities attend comic conventions to meet with their adoring fans…and their wallets. Most feel that their signature is worth 20-50+ dollars with equal sums for pictures with them. Outrageous. There’s no way I’m paying Edward James Olmos $35 to sign a DVD cover. Here’s a great way to get around paying. Hang around your beloved celebrity within earshot. When you hear them mention they’re going to the bathroom, run faster than a basketball fan from Ron Artest and beat them there. Proceed to remove all toilet paper from every stall. Once they’ve befouled the bathroom and realize there’s no TP, you’ve got them by the short and curlys. What’s that, Sir Patrick Stewart? You need some toilet paper? Sure, no problem. That’ll be one signed copy of Masterminds, please. It’s best if your partner from tip #1 is of the opposite sex thereby allowing you to get any celebrities autograph.
7. There will be cosplayers at conventions. Some are pretty good, most are mediocre to terrible. Whatever you do, don’t make fun of the bad ones to their face/mask. The last thing you need is a 324lb Green Lantern barreling through the crowds and chasing after you like you’re a deep fried chocolate covered bacon wrapped twinkie.
8. Cons generally last between 5-8 hours so you’ll need to make sure you have a quick pick me up when your energy starts to wane. Make sure you have a chocolate bar, soda, dangerous methamphetamines or energy drink to give you that extra oomph you need to make it to closing. If you dress up like the Flash and do some blow, everyone will think you’re just in character.
9. Chances are there will be a bunch of small children roaming around the show floor. Don’t feel bad in the slightest about pushing them out of your way. They need to learn proper crowd etiquette some way and its obvious by them being in your way that the parents aren’t doing their job.
These are just some basic pointers to help you with your first comic con. You’ll develop your own methods and tactics after you attend a few. The most important thing is to make sure you have fun at the expense of others.
1.Work in teams. Bring someone with you, seems pretty simple. Two people can cover more ground than one. Besides, you’ll need someone watching your back if you hit on the wrong girl and the body builder cosplaying the Hulk comes running after you.
2.Pay a small minority child to act as your pack mule. If you’re like me, you buy a lot of comics and other various objects and that can be quite burdensome to lug around. Children are cheap to hire and they get all the back pain that was meant for you.
3.Bring your own small child with you. Now this can be a double edged sword. First the pros. Unless they’re like me, most people will allow a child to pass by them when looking through bins. Use this to your advantage to get to the good comics. Also have the kid get sketches from artists for you. They’re more likely to put more effort into it for a kid than an adult. Casually mention that you’re so happy little Jimmy was feeling well enough to leave the hospital to see their favorite comic artist and you’re looking at a full body color sketch for dirt cheap. The cons. Kids have shorter legs and can’t walk as fast as you need them to. Make them wear suspenders so you can carry them around like a piece of luggage. Also kids tend to whine a lot. “I’m hungry. My feet hurt. When are you going to let me go back to my family, mister?” Be prepared to deal with this the entire day.
Protip – Combine tips 2 and 3 for maximum effectiveness
4.You’ll most likely see a few people wandering around with carts with up to 3 or 4 boxes of comics on them. These people are your mortal enemy. They brought all these comics to get signed and will tie up a line for a while because the artists and writers are usually too polite to just start making the books out to Ebay Winner. My tip is carry a screwdriver with you. If you ever see one of these carts unattended casually walk over to it and remove a wheel or too. Let’s see that asshole carry all that shit around now.
5.Unless it’s a special issue, don’t pay more than a buck a comic. Oh sure, you’ll see plenty of assholes trying to gouge you for $2-$5 an issue or more for key ones. Point and laugh as you pass these idiots. Don’t be afraid to torch their stand either if they give you lip. This kind of discretionary buying will send a message to other vendors, that is, if the plumes of smoke haven’t already.
6.Many celebrities attend comic conventions to meet with their adoring fans…and their wallets. Most feel that their signature is worth 20-50+ dollars with equal sums for pictures with them. Outrageous. There’s no way I’m paying Edward James Olmos $35 to sign a DVD cover. Here’s a great way to get around paying. Hang around your beloved celebrity within earshot. When you hear them mention they’re going to the bathroom, run faster than a basketball fan from Ron Artest and beat them there. Proceed to remove all toilet paper from every stall. Once they’ve befouled the bathroom and realize there’s no TP, you’ve got them by the short and curlys. What’s that, Sir Patrick Stewart? You need some toilet paper? Sure, no problem. That’ll be one signed copy of Masterminds, please. It’s best if your partner from tip #1 is of the opposite sex thereby allowing you to get any celebrities autograph.
7. There will be cosplayers at conventions. Some are pretty good, most are mediocre to terrible. Whatever you do, don’t make fun of the bad ones to their face/mask. The last thing you need is a 324lb Green Lantern barreling through the crowds and chasing after you like you’re a deep fried chocolate covered bacon wrapped twinkie.
8. Cons generally last between 5-8 hours so you’ll need to make sure you have a quick pick me up when your energy starts to wane. Make sure you have a chocolate bar, soda, dangerous methamphetamines or energy drink to give you that extra oomph you need to make it to closing. If you dress up like the Flash and do some blow, everyone will think you’re just in character.
9. Chances are there will be a bunch of small children roaming around the show floor. Don’t feel bad in the slightest about pushing them out of your way. They need to learn proper crowd etiquette some way and its obvious by them being in your way that the parents aren’t doing their job.
These are just some basic pointers to help you with your first comic con. You’ll develop your own methods and tactics after you attend a few. The most important thing is to make sure you have fun at the expense of others.
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