Let's Get This Dance Party a-Dancin'

In the immortal words of The Monarch, "I have been blogging." Time to move slightly higher up in the world, dump my pseudo blog on facebook, and start a big boy blog. First thing I'm throwing up is my week old Lost season 6 recap sans finale. Look for brand spanking new material to follow.

So there’s this show that everyone and their mother has been all atwitter about for the past I-don’t-even-know how long called Lost. Now I’ve never watched a single episode of Lost before this season. The only reason I’ve watched this season is that new episodes are on Tuesdays and that just so happens to be the day me and Kramer hang out. Both he and his girlfriend Ashley are huge Lost nerds. ( I know, I’m not even sure why I hang out with these people.) Because so very man people asked for it, I now give you Marty’s Spot on Analysis of the Final Lost Season Extravaganza!

If I remember correctly, I didn’t see the first 2 episodes of the season so you figure out where I’m beginning. The very first cast member of the land of misfit toys I get to meet is Sawyer. I think that’s his name. I dubbed him Drunky since he was guzzling down a 5th of whiskey in his introduction. Apparently Drunky’s superpower is the ability to lie really, really, really well. I assume the alcohol is what gives him his fantastical powers. Next on the chopping block is Cue Ball aka Locke aka Giant Pissed Off Billowing Smoke Monster. I have since determined that this “Smoke Monster” is really just a free roaming roller coaster with a few smoke machines and strobe lights strapped to various sections and whose riders include an elephant, a lion or tiger, Flipper the dolphin and possibly a Filipino transvestite named Janet. Now Cue Ball is embarking on a Blues Brothers-esque adventure to “get the band back together” or some such nonsense. He runs or smokes around the island looking for various other characters to fill out his ensemble. Next up is Balls or as all the other characters call him Sayed. I’ve dubbed him Balls because the actor was in the excellent Planet Terror and his character in that loved to collect them. While where on Planet Terror, J.T shows up too. However this time he’s a pilot of some sorts. You don’t have to pay attention to him; he just wanders around with some other people and has a face to face meeting with a steel submarine door. More on the submarine later. Eye Shadow is next. Dubbed so because he perpetually has eye shadow on (and don’t tell me he looks like that naturally) Mr. Shadow can’t die, was a Spanish slave, and felt the best way to save his wife’s life was by having the doctor come down with a severe case of death. Coronary is the morbidly obese guy waddling around the island who can Haley Joe Osman to the dead and has a thing for Cythia Watros. When Christopher Titus finds out, he’s going to be pissed. Mr. Baseball was only in the show for a bit. A drunken Japanese salary man with a penchant for baseball and taking his son for car rides after one too many. Balls absolutely hates baseball so obviously Mr. Baseball and his hippie life partner had to have a minor incident involving neck breaking and a little light stabbing. Then there’s Sex Offender. All he’s missing is a pair of thick rimmed glasses to be a complete cliché. His name is Linus for god’s sake. Name me one Linus that hasn’t run afoul of the legal system. According to Kramer he pretended to be Hitler and gassed a bunch of the people living on the island. Which begs the question as to why the survivors haven’t decided to shove a sharp stick in his ocular region. There’s a couple named Jin and Sun who spend a majority of their time looking for each other and then forget they can’t breathe underwater. Cue the Price is Right losing music. There’s a crazy Australian cat lady who believes that another character needs to die because she had the audacity to look after her son while she was bat shit crazy and shacked up in the wacko basket. Everyone has apparently been brought to this fabled island by a guy named Jacob, a guy with a god complex who tends to corpse up when people decide to bring knives into the equation. Jacob and Smokey McSmokeMonster aren’t exactly friends because it’s actually his brother or it isn’t but he kind of killed his brother with a rock to the head. You people figure it out. There’s a hot blooded Latina women whose job was to protect Jacob i.e. from knives to the chest but fails miserably. Not the most intelligent woman as she believes the best way for handling centuries old dynamite is to put it in a backpack and swing it around like Thor’s hammer. Then a submarine shows up, why the hell not? It’s practically overflowing with cannon fodder for Cue Ball’s alter ego, a guy who surely the producers wanted Ian Mckellan to play, a guy who thinks he’s Mitch Pileggi from the movie Shocker, and one woman. The cannon fodder ends up mostly riddled with bullets, Shocker gets thrown down a well, the woman gets a Columbian necktie, and the Ian Mckellan wannabe gets ventilated by the sex offender. Did I mention the “Sideways” world? It’s this glorious world where every character from seasons past gets to make a cameo for fan service. It also has the uncanny characteristic of being a world where every character currently in the show has a much better life. Wheels (Locke) is married to Peggy Bundy and is a substitute teacher. Sex offender has a creepy father/daughter relationship with a student. Coronary is a multi millionaire. Jin works for the Yakuza. Balls still gets to kill people. Drunky is a cop. I got nothing for this. On top of this sideways world, some characters have also time travelled. Unfortunately it’s highly unlikely this thing got up to 88 mph and they got to see some serious shit. The overarching goal for these people is to control the island. What makes this rock in the middle of the ocean so valuable? Simple, it’s filled with the same stuff that was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase in Pulp Fiction. And by god if it was important enough to send Jules and Vincent after it must be worth the utter shenanigans the cast has been up to.