Feed

So who here has a food fetish? Okay, interesting. Now who here has a fetish for 600 pound women? Hmm, lot of weirdos read this thing. Last question, who here has a fetish for force feeding women so they get to be 600+ pounds? The more intelligent among you have just surmised what Feed is about. It won a few awards from those hoitey toitey art film festivals but let’s get to the finer points of it and go cankle deep in this summary.

If you’re like me, and studies show you are in fact not like me or you’d have a blog this awesome, the first thing you’ll think of when tubby proclaims “Feed Me” is Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. If only the villain’s name was Seymour. We get introduced to Phil, an Australian Interpol agent who’s teaming up with the Germans in a raid. Think the head of Ewan McGregor Frankensteined on Gerard Butler circa 300. Things don’t go quite as planned as he walks into a kitchen with a sautéing penis on a skillet and one naked German guy consensually feeding another naked German guy pieces of himself. He’s no Peter Stumpf, though. I know there are some ladies out there thinking, “I’d love for a German guy to eat me.” Not really the same thing here. Phil returns to his normal life back in the land of shrimps on the Barbie and the Abby Winters porn site where he has a healthy relationship with his girlfriend as long as you consider healthy sleeping with anyone you want. Her welcome home present for him? A bolt through the clit. Don’t chip a tooth Phil. He also returns to his job at Interpol which I’m certain is the greatest job ever devised. He sits in front of a computer all day and surfs porn sites for anything illegal. Interpol’s funding hard at work (yes pun intended). Among some of the illustrious sites he visits are Horse Lovin’ and one involving furries dressed like octopuses.

Enough about the brick shithouse known as Phil, let’s see what the other side of the coin has to offer. A skinny guy named Michael who looks like Matthew Mcconaughey and interests include playing Pacman, having an Asian wife, and feeding overweight women until they die for the purposes of gambling. Vegas should really try and get in on this. Apparently a love for retro games turns you into a serial killer. I don’t even want to tell you what the guy who was obsessed with Centipede did. I think they’re making a movie out of that one. Mikey seems to have this food fetish thing pretty well down and he’s about two steps away from sharing a special bond with Jason Biggs from American Pie.

Philip is forced to take vacation after his Lawrence Tierney-esque boss catches him in the bathroom weeping like a fatty denied a doughnut. On top of that, his girlfriend, for lack of a better term, takes one too many right crosses to the face and decides her time would best be spent with someone who’s not a borderline sociopath. This offers the perfect opportunity for him to take an extended road/air trip to luxurious Toledo, Ohio in search of Mike, who no one thinks exists or is breaking any laws. Oh boy, time for a rogue cop movie, haven’t seen one of those for a while. *sigh* There’s a beached whale temper tantrum in there somewhere which was actually quite humorous.

Luckily for our benevolent stranger in a strange land here, Americans absolutely love people with Australian accents because I’m not entirely sure how else he would have got half the information he does out of some folks. Phil locates Mike’s humble abode and decides to have a rousing session of breaking and entering: American edition. Things go well until Mikey’s Taiwanese mail order bride comes home and finds him perched at her husband’s computer. What comes next is nothing short of an epic battle of wits between Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty. After deftly dodging roughly 4 or 5 questions (which range from where is she to, um, where is she) and advancing on Mike, Phil literally gets bitch smacked by him. Having felled our brave hero with one mighty blow it’s time to go all bond villain on him. Ladies and gentleman, I give you Fatfinger. Fatfinger explains his slight grievances with such likes as (read this part in that annoying Sally Struthers voice from those old commercials) Madison Ave, corporations, women’s magazines, photographers, the American view of beauty, and many more. Phil Jack rabbits away, or whatever the Australian animal equivalent is, to his hotel room.

Our would be Columbo is wrested from his sleep by someone knocking on his door. Surprise surprise its Mikey from the Kix commercials. Phil, who lacks a child’s sensibility, decides to eat food given to him by a stranger. Yum roofied hamburger. He’s up shit’s creek now. Fatfinger has something truly devious planned for him. Chain him up in his basement or perhaps feed him to his confined walrus of a woman? Both good suggestions but he decides to go with the diabolical injecting him with vanilla pudding route. God help us if he ever turns his attention to world domination. Inspector Clouseau wakes up, pops his vanilla pudding pimple (now there’s a good band name), and wanders down to the local gun shop to get a firearm. Apparently foreign nationals have no problem acquiring hand guns sans the usual 5 day waiting period. First up on Phil’s steps for revenge is to scare Fatfinger’s mail order bride into an asthma attack. Take that women's lib. She goes all evangelical Christian when she recovers and on top of everything else he has to deal with, Phil is now going to hell on her say so. While all this is going on there is a truly terrifying scene involving Fatty Arbuckle and the song Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini. There is not enough eye bleach and fire in the universe to burn that God damned image out of my brain.

Field trip time. Yay. Poirot is off to a farm house as most individuals with an asthmatic Asian woman tied up in the back seat of their car are wont to do. Soylent Green moment in 3, 2, 1. Fatfinger is feeding his bedridden porpoise the fat he sucked out of the last fatty corpuscle that died. The best method for getting her to eat it is a good old fashion beer bong. Frat boys have nothing on her. But enough about what food is and isn’t people, it’s time for a knock down drag out fight between our antagonist and protagonist. Phil winds up with a pot of boiling fat on the groin and a meat tenderizer to the head. Phil wakes up in the sea cow’s room and it’s time for Fatfinger’s alter ego Dramatic Exposition Man to make an appearance, after some pistol whipping of course. Ever wonder what 3 minutes of explanations drawn out to 20 is like? Well here are the bullet points so you don’t need to find out.

-Fatfinger killed his ginormous mom and made a little tent out of the fat he cut off her.
-Rehash of earlier rant about corporations and what beauty is.
-Reincarnation and evolution through eating. That’s enough to make Hindus and Catholics heads explode right there

Time to get back on track. Phil makes his daring play and these two titans have an epic battle the only way you can really have an epic battle, over the body of a 600+ pound woman. Reminded me Kratos in a boss battle from God of War. Philtos wins and as a celebration shoots the shrieking tyrannosaurus of a woman right between the peepers. Now that’s something I can get behind. Jump a few weeks or months later and we find out Phil has decided to starve Fatfinger back in the farmhouse in a bid for irony. Cue ending. Not a bad movie though, all things considered. Kept my interest and it was nowhere near as terrible as Splice. Give it a try.