Killers

Ever have one of those movies where you think its going to be just God awful and you turn out being pleasantly surprised? This isn’t one of those movies. To be clear this is the Ashton Kutcher/Katherine Heigle Killers movie. There are like 5 movies simply titled Killers listed on imdb and they’ve gotta be better than this. Now here’s the caveat, I didn’t see the entire movie. I watched a bootleg and a bit of the screen was cut at each end. Somehow, though, I highly doubt those extra inches of celluloid would make me like this movie. Don’t give me crap about watching a boot; if/when someone pays me to write these things, then I’ll go see them in the theaters. Until that time I’m not wasting my hard earned money on shit like this.

The plot? Ugh, alright. Katherine Heigle, her boobs, and her parents go on vacation to France. Ms. Heigle has just been dumped by her boyfriend because she isn’t spontaneous or thrill seeking. Now here’s where the twist comes that keeps the movie from being a complete cliché. She meets fucking Kelso in an elevator while eating Maalox and is swept off her feet by his suaveness. Wait a tick, that is a complete cliché. Well settle in boys and girls for a paint by numbers movie. Why do people in movies always get swept off their feet in France? Just once I’d like to see someone swept off their feet in Slovakia or perhaps the Belgian Congo.

Katy’s parents are none other than Catherine O’Hara, you know Kevin’s mom from Home Alone, and Tom Fucking Selleck. What the hell is he doing in this turd? I can only assume he lost a bar bet somewhere or he has a $200 a day blow habit. At least the characters acknowledge his mustache excellence.

Date time. These two have all the interest and chemistry of slugs fucking. Heigle ducks under table at one point trying to avoid her father and her and Kutcher have a conversation there because its fun and kooky. I wrapped my head in duct tape at this point to keep it from exploding. They scurry on to a dance club where she’s mistaken for a prostitute. You’d think she had a dress that at least showed off her ample bosoms but alas this movie wants to disappoint in all facets. Back at the hotel room Heigle is too soused and confesses how truly boring she is. Kelso reveals, in a Lawrence of Arabia match lighting shot, to her that he’s a spy but she’s passed out half naked on the bed like Lindsey Lohan. Mark it down people; my head was officially full of fuck at this point with no relief in sight.

Kelso asks Magnum Fucking PI if he can marry his daughter and I thought for sure he was going to break Demi Moore’s boy toy’s face and take over the movie. No such luck and the movie fast forwards 3 years ahead with Katy and Kelso living in suburbia with such illustrious neighbors as Alex Borstein. Apparently she does other things than just write shitty Family Guy episodes. Oh and the male cop from the Hangover is also in it and plays Kelso’s lecherous friend/coworker. He and Tom Selleck’s mustache were really the only bright spots for me. On another note, I now fear for Katherine Heigle’s safety. Remember what happened to the last woman that portrayed Ashton Kutcher’s wife in a movie, Brittany Murphy?

Mrs. Kelso thinks her marriage is beginning to lose its edge and her man hating Ani Difranco friend tells her it’s the 3 year snooze. If you know me you can probably imagine what words I uttered upon hearing that gem. She ends up throwing him a surprise anniversary party. There are some shots of O’Hara drinking all the time. She’s supposed to be a humorous alcoholic but she’s no W.C. Fields and the jokes are just bad. This coming from a man who finds alcoholism hilarious.

The next morning Kelso’s buddy Hangover tries to kill him because there’s a 20 million clam bounty on his head. Some of his old bosses took exception for him flaking out and are now trying to address their grievances with him through bullets and knives. Katy comes home and finds the two locked in fisticuffs. After she retrieves his gun, Kelso shows just how great a super spy he is by instructing her to shoot Hangover…when he’s standing directly behind him. Everybody on 3; 1, 2, 3, *facepalm.* Kelso begins interrogating him and is as ferocious and terrifying as an 8 year old with polio.

This review’s about to get fast tracked because basically there’s just action sequences after this. Mr. and Mrs. Kelso leave the house and Hangover breaks free. There’s a fast paced car chase where the vehicles reach mighty speeds of 20mph. Hangover’s car flips and falls into a construction site. Ashton Kutcher super spy tip of the day, if your enemy’s car flips over, no need to check if they’re dead, just assume. I’ll wrap up this plot point now, he actually is dead, much to my dismay. What a tweest moment. Mrs. Kelso is pregnant. First, though we get to watch them buy a pregnancy test from Usher, so that’s what he’s been doing with his career lately, in Kmart, hooray product placement, and a drawn out 5 minute scene of them in the bathroom trying to get her to pee by listening to Whoop There It Is. It was at this point that I began to believe in God because only the Devil himself could have written something this terrible. Unfortunately, unlike in Lethal Weapon, the toilet wasn’t bombed so we have to soldier on. Cue some serious baby talk, a UPS driver harkening back to the old gun toting mailmen days, and finding out some more neighbors are trying to kill them. One of them actually exclaims “darn it” and “shoot.” As we all know, this is standard fair for hardened killers.

Time for the clusterfucky ending. Try to bear with me as I attempt the impossible. Tom Fucking Selleck was also a spy (dramatic organ music) and thought Kelso was trying to kill him and had planted a bunch of sleeper agents in his life over the 3 years of his marriage. After seeing a post card from Kelso’s old boss, he assumed it was about killing him. Heigle decides to have a straight-from-Meet-the-Parents circle of trust and everyone becomes buddy buddy again. It ends with Mr. and Mrs. Kelso going on a date and leaving her alcoholic mother in charge of the baby. Sound parenting indeed.

Do I even need to write a final paragraph explaining my feelings? For the love of the non-planet Pluto don’t see this movie. Clichéd out the ass, tired story, and if you pay to see it, someone might think we want more Ashton Kutcher movies. The horror, the horror. At least he hasn’t broken his streak of only having That 70’s Show be the only good thing he’s ever done.