This was a rare week for me. I actually saw TWO movies in the theater. A good time was had by all. At least I think everyone had a good time. I must have been mixing a little too much Dayquil and Tequila because they’re both running together. Not a problem though, I shall press onward with this week’s review as best I can.
Preception
I’ll just note at this point if you haven’t seen Predators or Inception that this review will contain spoilers as large as they are bulimic. So the movie starts off with Leonardo Dicaprio and my buddy from Splice Adrian Brody free falling and talking about ideas being the most infectious thing there is. Once they safely land in a Japanese restaurant they proceed to try and steal secrets from the dream of Danny Trejo. Joseph Gordon Levitt shows up dressed as THE Cobra Commander to offer support to Leo and Brody. Unfortunately for our heroes, Mr. Trejo realizes that he’s dreaming because nobody can have a nose as large as Brody’s in real life. Everyone is then woken up by that kid from Mars Attacks and they discover that they’re on a jungle planet being hunted by Predators.
That annoying girl from Juno turns out to be an expert sniper working for Mossad who can sometimes control the world around her because she’s also a dream architect. The biggest badass of them all falls from the sky, Topher Grace and there are disposable stereotypes to round out the cast. In order to leave the planet, our group has to evade the Predators, various alien creatures, and then invade the dreams of head Predator Cillian Murphy to plant the thought that he should return them to Earth. Cillian’s Predator has a heart wrenching story about his Predator father being disappointed in him for trying to be like him or not being like him, I forget which.
Our merry band of misfits trek through the jungle fighting Predator dogs, pretty flowers, and the incessant rambling of Juno. They stumble upon the Predators’ camp and are attacked except for Joseph Gordon Levitt who they recognize as a fellow alien from 3rd Rock From the Sun. Everyone runs away or dies and then our group comes across Laurence Fishburne. Well Leo still has beef with him over the last 2 matrix movies and decides to infect his mind with an idea, promptly causing him to go crazy. The Predators attack again and, once again, everyone runs and a few die. Leo spins a top a few times before he Jack rabbits. After finding the Scarecrow Predator, the crew puts him to sleep with a combination of roofies, liquor, and the latest Will Ferrell movie. With him sleeping as soundly as David Hasselhoff surrounded by his German guards, the third act begins.
Everyone is now in a city. Things are going well trying to convince Cillian to get them back home when Danny Glover starts chasing them. They decide the best way to get away from him is to go asleep and be in a dream of a dream. Now they’re in a fancy hotel! Not satisfied with their setting yet again, Leo divas out and makes everyone go to sleep again (dream in a dream in a dream) so they can all go to the set of a James Bond movie. Extremely pissed he’s been saddled with Juno for most of the movie, Topher decides to stop being nice and go all serial killer on her. At this point someone decides to put the hotel in a tumble dryer and Levitt and Grace spin around, dancing and trading blows. Back on the set of James Bond there’s some skiing, explosions, and someone hits a tree, just like a Kennedy family reunion (Heyoooo). Leo continues to spin his top and the guy with a British accent kills some people. Redeye Predator has an epiphany to help the humans and everyone wakes up. Then everyone wakes up again. Yet again, everyone wakes up so now they’re back on the jungle planet. Unfortunately, the Predators’ ship has exploded because one of them forgot to turn off the coffee pot so everyone decides to spend the rest of their time wandering the world.
This will be the first chance I’ll have to use my new grading system suggested to me by Nick. I give Predators 4 segments out of a 5 segment Human Centipede. Pretty much what I expected and a worthy successor to the Predator franchise. Had the main character been recast it may have received the 5th segment. Not really against Brody but he just isn’t meant for those kind of badass roles. Inception gets a whopping 5 Human Centipede segments out of 5. The premise is pretty original despite borrowing a little from Dark City and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s well filmed and, most importantly, it keeps you entertained. Best heist movie I’ve seen since the Sting. Oh and if someone tells you they had trouble following what’s going on, they’re an idiot. It’s pretty easy to follow unless you have Velcro shoes and can count to potato.
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