Bucket List

Well after a month hiatus I'm back. Funny how vacation throws off your schedule for quite a while. Nobody wants to live an unfulfilled life, that's what bucket lists are for. Gives you a sense of accomplishment and bragging rights when you're stuck in a nursing home with the other geezers. I decided to take some time and right up my own list because its never too early to start.

-Bitch slap Shia Lebouf, Robert Pattinson, and Will Ferrell like Moe used to do in the 3 Stooges
-Make a super Oreo out of an entire pack of Double Stuff Oreos and devour it.
-Swim in a pool filled with a gin martini. The olives should be as big as my head. A pool full of beer will suffice if a martini won't work on a logistical level
-Destroy REO Speedwagon
-Read entire Uncanny X-men series from start to finish over the course of a week. Yes even the terrible Austin run
-Determine once and for all if Nancy Pelosi's vagina can sharpen a pencil. Most theories and scientific opinions say yes but we need empirical data
-Defend against a home invasion with an actual blunderbuss
-Own Johnny Weissmuller's skull
-Have an honest to god one week bender in Vegas
-Watch seasons 3-9 of the Simpsons in one week. I'll need a few friends and plenty of beer)
-Unlock the mystery of why homosexuals find Dom so appealing in a suit and why everyone thinks he's Puerto Rican.
-Destroy REO Speedwagon again
-Get the chance to ride around on the chair at a Bar Mitzvah
-Take down an African warlord with nothing more than a pocket knife, 4 rubber bands, a lead pipe, 2 light bulbs, and an anti-tank gun that fires depleted Uranium bullets. Oh and of course my trademark moxie and devil may care attitude
-Ride around a huge go kart track with no less than 7 of my closest friends, drunk, and launching fireworks at each other.
-Fire Kramer out of a cannon
-Best my mortal enemy in battle then devour his heart to gain his courage. Will probably knock this one off shortly after the REO Speedwagon items.
-Hit a small child in the face with a waffle when start crying in a restaurant.
-Make a grown man cry solely by yelling at him for 27 minutes
-Witness a man eat his own head
-Get someon to legally change their name to Joey Joe Joe Shabaloo. Preferably Flynn.
-Marry a woman who can name every X-man in order of joining the team.
-Poke some poor people with a sharp stick from the comfort of my Rolls Royce
-Fend off an attack from a grizzly bear by punching it in the face.
-Make the shocking confession on my deathbed that it was I, Marty, who was both the Zodiac Killer and D.B. Cooper.

Now of course this is only a partial list. New ones are added as I see fit.