Eclipse

Did anyone out there expect me not to do this one? If you didn’t, it’s okay. I assume it was because you thought I’d never see one of these movies without the safety of Rifftrax to protect my Medulla Oblongata. Well seeing as how I have an incredibly sexy and delicious reputation to keep and my utter hatred for giving certain franchises money, let alone my money, I didn’t actually see the film. I actually had Dora recap this epic of neutered fangs, claws, and testicles to me the day after she saw it. Now she loves the films and books no matter how hard I try to beat it out of her. Without further ado I give you Marty’s review of Dora’s recap of Eclipse.

So it starts out with Edward, aka Mr. Scowley Pants, and Jacob, aka Professor Fuzzybottom the 3rd, having a competition to see who can squat and pee the farthest. The winner of this hallowed contest would have the hand of the beautiful and rabbit toothed Bella; the loser would be left to wallow in self pity and have the ability to not have a wispy, blank expressioned scarecrow hung around their neck like an albatross. Just before hackneyed characters get all cocked and loaded for their pissing contest, a goddamned Tyrannosaurus Rex comes smashing through the clearing in the woods with none other than the Robocop riding it. After explaining that, “Cain! Cain’s my problem!” he fires a rocket at Mr. Scowley Pants and Professor Fuzzybottom the 3rd. The resulting explosion lodges a 4 foot long 2 foot wide log up Scowley’s rectum, there is much bleeding and screaming, and it damn near killed him. Fuzzybottom takes a nasty kabonk on the head. He becomes amnesiac and believes himself to be a grizzled gold prospecting coot who has a penchant for stamp collecting. Robocop kidnaps the blank sheet of paper known as Bella and rides off with a platoon of C.H.U.D.s, Cyberdyne Systems model T-100s, and the Crab people in tow.

Tree Rectum and Cooty VonCootenstein vow to rescue their turnip brained love interest for reasons neither can remember. Unable to move quickly due to his blockage, Scowley has to ride Fuzzybottom (in a totally non-gay way) across country in search of their paramour. They stop for nothing except a quick trip to the world’s largest nipple ring and for a Phish concert where everyone smells oddly like hamsters and patchouli. After seeing the band play the same song for over 5 hours and loving it because they’re douche bags, VonCootenstein and Pants decide to leave in style by riding Mussolini’s town car to Maine. On the way they stop at a place called the Truk Stop for a bite to eat. A guy named Seabass is pissed because two guys just stuck him with their tab and he’s looking to take his aggression out our intrepid down syndrome heroes. Seabass gets on the horn and 10 minutes later Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman, the werewolves from the Howling series (even the ones from Howling 3: The Marsupials), David from An American Werewolf In London, and even that guy from The Forsaken come running through the door with pitchforks, knives, maces, and a solid oak leg from a 17th century tax collector’s desk. Benicio Del Toro was unable to attend as he was too busy being strung out on various narcotics. These iconic silver screen stars, well except for that guy from the Forsaken, beat and subdue Mr. Scowley Pants and Professor Fuzzybottom the 3rd. In the final scene of the movie, our heroes are led to a Wicker Man and burned in an attempt to yield better crops. If you stay until after the credits you discover that Bella has been sold to the Humungus and was drowned in a vat of guzzaline.

It was at this point that I snapped out of my daydream. Dora was yammering something about bestiality and forced romantic entanglements. I promptly decided to go back to daydreaming. This time about me and Richard Dawson getting loaded and making fun of the Jonas Brothers.